The art of letting go
March 30th, 2012 § 2 Comments
What are you dreaming about? The perfect career. Finding “the one”. Starting a family. Traveling the world. Making it big. Or maybe it’s something more along the lines of being relieved from some kind of pain. For your broken family to come back together. For better health. To make some kind of impact with your life. What would you do if you were asked to give all of those dreams up? To totally let go as if they were never there in the first place.
Well, why would I have to give up those dreams? They aren’t bad things. I’m just dreaming of a better future. I just want things to work out for me. Why should I let that go?
That’s not an easy question to answer. In fact, I’m wrestling with this very situation right now. I feel like I’ve been building myself up with all these big dreams of what my future could be like and only doing things that will support my dreams. So much so that I’ve closed off my mind to only focus on this one image. An image of my idea of what’s best for me. So, I’ve been trudging along towards those goals set in my narrow focus. And guess what happened? God put his hand on my forehead and had me running in place until I stopped in my tracks. He told me to look at him and let go.
What?! Let go?? Why?! I’m only chasing after these dreams to ultimately glorify you! I’m not working for all of this to get self gratification and attention! What am I doing wrong??
Eventually I figured it out. Well, the “what I was doing wrong part”. I was trying to take all the control. I had these great dreams and they were all good things so I figured, hey just run for these! Sounds good to me! Thanks God, see ya later!
He wants the control. It was his to begin with. And he still owns it.
There’s this story I’ve been referring to a lot that I can really relate to right now. I don’t remember where I heard it…and I can’t tell it word for word, but i have the main points.
So this little girl is at the store with her dad and she see’s this plastic pearl necklace and falls in love with it. She asks her dad for it and he see’s how found of it she’s become and buys it for her. This little girl wears the necklace everywhere. Never takes it off. And everyday she asks her dad how pretty she looks and he tells her with smile, “You look beautiful.” Then one night when the little girl is going to bed the dad asks her for the necklace. She looks at him with confusion and clutches it and says, “No daddy. These are my pearls, I love them!” He calmly says, “Alright” and says good night. The next night he asks her the same question and she responds the same; “No daddy! These are mine I can’t give them to you!”. Then one evening he came into her room to find her sitting hunched over and crying on the floor.”What’s wrong?” he asks. The little girl with tears streaming down her cheeks holds up a little clenched fist and gives him the necklace. He smiles and pulls out and gives the girl a real pearl necklace that he’s been waiting to give her all along.
So, if you didn’t catch it, we are represented by the little girl. We have these dreams and plans that we’re clenching onto so tightly. Perhaps at one time God did give us these dreams and hopes but to lead us to his dreams. Like the dad in the story, he has something so much better in store for us. Something that we most times would never even think of!
For me, I’m still in the process of seeing exactly what God wants me to give up. Maybe in this certain situation it’s just giving him complete control. That’s a little scary, but that’s ok! It’s natural to be afraid of the unknown. But don’t let yourself get lost in that fear. Part of letting go is trust. Trusting that He’s gonna catch you and provide what you need. Sometimes you just have to take a so called “leap of faith” and roll with it. God’s not gonna ask you to let go if he doesn’t have something to replace the old. I’m definitely listening to my own words when I say this, but stop hesitating and just let go and let God.
God bless,
Kaitlin
The boat rocked and I got whip lash
February 21st, 2012 § 1 Comment
Well. What a crazy couple of days. I don’t really know where to start.
For starters, a little while ago I was in a really good place. I felt strong in my faith, confident in my singleness, and just assured about where things seemed to be headed for me. Then out of no where I started to back slide in every area. I’ve been feeling a distance from God. I feel like he’s had me in this awkward “waiting” period for months and I can’t see what he wants clearly. I’ve started getting a little ancy/frustrated/uncomfortable thinking about my single situation. And that has been really stupid because I literally don’t want to think about it. I don’t care! Then there’s the whole “I thought I knew where my life was headed” confusion. That’s where this whip-lash comes in.
The other day really sucked. I got some disappointing news to start off my day. Long story short, I entered in a singing competition, made it to the top 16, got really excited, found out due to prior obligations I couldn’t continue in the competition, got super bummed. Then to top it off I failed a math test. That may sound petty, but it doesn’t help when you get a physical representation that you’ve failed when you’re already feeling like turd scum. And being the over contemplative person I am, these events started a nasty spiral in my mind. First this dazzling door opened to possible advancement in my career gets slammed shut. What?! That wasn’t a bad thing or anything that had selfish ambition tied to it! I genuinely want to take more opportunities to share my story that only gives glory to God! Why couldn’t I have this?? Well I’m never going to advance in anything if I can’t keep my grades up. Which isn’t going to smooth at the moment. Why am I even in school? So I can have a butt load of debt until I’m 57? And going back to that whole confusion on where my life is headed. I thought God kept saying “wait”. “Just do what you love”. Ok. So I just got involved in all these different things and tried getting myself out there and everything seemed to start to crumble around me. What are you saying to me?! Yes, I know you’re still there and you love me and you’re watching me all the time, but I am so insanely lost! I’m starting to feel useless! I’m such a hot mess its ridiculous. I literally feel like I can’t offer advice to any friends or anyone because I’m in such crap myself.
One thing that’s been getting to me is the thought that my depression isn’t going away. Yea, I’m on meds. But take those pills away and its all right there. So, regardless of me taking meds, I still have to deal with self-destructive thoughts and contorted thinking. It’s so frustrating! I don’t know when I’ll be able to say I’ve gotten ahold and control of my depression. I don’t know when I’ll be able to go off these pills with confidence that I can stand alone. In fact thinking about it scares me.
I wish my brain had an off button.
Another thing I think about a lot is how open I am. Should I be this open? Not a lot of people are. I mean in my music and this blog I just bear my soul to the world and let them take it as they will. It’s getting really hard. I’m not sure why.
To sum this up, My boat got rocked and I have no idea whats going on! Yay confusion!
I hope you all are doing much better than I am.
God bless,
Kaitlin
Just Sayin…
January 24th, 2012 § 1 Comment
I just felt the need to get this off my chest. I am not perfect. If you’ve read any of my other blogs you are well aware that I’ve had my share of struggles and still do. My life is messy and I still screw up every now and then. And I am not alone. No one on this earth is near being perfect. Not that girl or guy you see walkin around school or work that seems to have it all together. They don’t. Everyone has a story. No matter how insane or how simple, no one’s story is “better” than anyone else’s either. We all have scars people! What if every time we were hurt and broken, we got a physical scar somewhere on our body. If that were true, we’d all be some messed up looking people. I’m so tired of people looking at other people with judgement or comparison to themselves. No one is better than anyone. If you’re looking at someone and thinking, “I wish I had they’re life. They have it so easy. I wish I looked like them.” STOP. IT. You have no idea what they’re life has been like. Maybe it has been mostly under control, or maybe they have alcoholic parents who divorced, maybe they have a history of abuse and awful self image, maybe they have an eating disorder and think about killing themselves. Everyone has pain. Maybe not as serious as those examples, but they’ve got some kind of baggage. Maybe instead of staring people down with envy or anger of some sort, reach out to them and say hello. Ask them how they’re doing. Or just smile! (a genuine smile of course) We are so consumed of what others think of us and how our lives compare to others we’ve developed these little bubbles we live in. Self absorbed, selfish mind frames that keep us focussed on ourselves. That is not how we are supposed to live folks! Oh my gosh, there is SO much more for us out they’re if you’ll just stick your head out of this musty box you’re living in! Im guilty of having my little bubble and a judge mental attitude and I have things to work on. But I’m really going to try because I’ve gotten to this point of frustration that makes me want to scream! Im tired of this blanket of ”Im not good enough.” “That person is so wrong and stupid” “I wish I had a different life” Your life and mine are a gift! It’s time to start acting like it.
Chasing Happily Ever After
January 15th, 2012 § 2 Comments
Earlier I was browsing through Facebook and came upon a video someone posted of someone else’s incredibly attractive and heart touching wedding. Then a while on StumbleUpon I came across a page of photos from and beautiful California wedding at a vineyard. Of course, being the girl I am, I watching this video and staring at these pictures of these perfect wedding thinking “Gosh I can’t wait until I get married.” And so does any other girl who saw that video or photos. Or seeing any wedding for that matter. From the day we’re 5 years old playing dress up until we walk down the aisle and say I Do, girls dream about their wedding day. Meeting their prince charming and being swept off their feet. Falling head over heels and getting that diamond ring. Walking down that aisle and taking the hand of your husband to be. But not just that, we dream about our ideal location. From a cathedral to a small outdoor gathering. A grand ball room to the shore side. We dream of the flowers, the lights, the colors, and of course, the dress. Now, if you’re a guy reading this (still) I’m very surprised. If you’re a girl, you were putting everything together in your mind as you read. As romantically gushy and embellished as it sounds, it’s true! Girls are drawn to that blatant idea of “Happily Ever After.” I don’t care who you are, single or in a relationship, 12 or 24, if you’re a girl you dream about your happy ending.
Why are girls so obsessed with that? Why does every girl have this silent wish to be in a relationship and get married as soon as they find “the one”? I’m not saying this like it’s a bad thing. But I couldn’t help thinking about it because literally every girl is dreaming about the same thing. And why is that? Every girl wants to be loved. They want to be noticed, respected, and cared for. They want someone to understand them and take their words to heart. Did I mention they want to be loved? They want to know that they are important and have worth. But where you look for these things is where the problems can step in. I’m sure you’ve heard before, you don’t need a boy to be happy. You know why people say that? Because it’s true! If you’re looking for all those things in a guy, you’ll be disappointed. Now I’m not bashing on guys here, I have a lot of awesome guy friends and I know there are some genuine, great guys out there. But if you spend all your time searching for worth, acceptance, security, and everything else in a guy you’ll be missing out on the most incredible love you could ever imagine. That’s Gods love ladies. Now if you just read that and a little bit of your spirit got disappointed or you thought “Yea I know..” do you really believe it? I’ve been single for a good 19 and a half years and I can say for the first time in my life, I am completely content being single. I literally have a peace about it. I’m not looking for anyone and I’m not in any rush to find someone before graduation. Heck, I may not meet someone for another few years. Who knows. But there’s a big reason I have this peace, it’s because I’m seeking God. I wanna know him better because when I get to know him, I find all those other things I’m looking for. Worth, purpose, strength, security, acceptance, understanding, and LOVE. Soooooo much Love! I vowed a long time ago to never chase after a guy again. I’ve done that before and it’s only left me worn out and disheartened. But I don’t have to chase God! He’s already right there waiting for me. And for you! All you have to do is start seeking. So, what exactly are you chasing? Your fairy tale fantasy that will only leave you tired and desperate for something more, or the true love that’s already reaching out to you? You don’t have to try so hard. Just reach back.
God bless,
Kaitlin
I can’t help it, I care about people
January 3rd, 2012 § Leave a Comment
Sometimes I feel like that boy from the book The Giver. If you haven’t read it you should, it’s great. 12-year-old Jonas goes to see this man, the giver, because Jonas has been given the assignment The Receiver of Memory. So basically, Jonas is going to receive all the memories from the community, good and bad. He has to take on all the pain and emotion from the past so the community doesn’t make those mistakes again. I just remember reading about the Giver passing these memories to Jonas one at a time, and at some points Jonas was brought to tears because of how heavy and painful some of the memories were. Now, why do I feel like Jonas? Let me elaborate.
You see, I am a very empathetic person. Sometimes I think maybe too much for my own good. I put myself in other people’s situations and emotions and in a way feel it with them. The times I do this the most is when a friend or someone I know is hurting or struggling in some way. Like Jonas, I tend to get overwhelmed with the emotions sometimes. A friend of mine is really struggling with depression right now and we’ll talk on the phone every now and then because she doesn’t really have anyone else to go to. She tells me about how overwhelmed she is and frustrated and hurt. As she’s talking I feel some of those emotions. Especially because I know exactly where she’s coming from and I hate that she’s going through this. We were talking recently and she said “I’m just so aggravated…and angry with everything.” When she said that, there was a little waver in her voice and it sounded like she was about to cry. My heart sunk. The whole conversation I was fighting my own self from getting choked up. I felt her loneliness, her sadness. Her frustration and desperation. I wanted to badly to have some magic words that would make it all better. I saw her sitting alone in her room being attacked by these waves of emotions that she can’t control or fully understand. My heart was breaking.
When we finished our conversation I said a prayer for her and said we’d talk again soon. Right when I hung up I started praying again. It still felt so heavy. Part of this severe empathy of mine is I want to fix everyone. I feel like there’s something I can do or say that will make things better. But that’s not my job. It’s the times like these where I’m trying to carry my friends burdens that I have to give them up to God and let him handle them, just like my own. He is constantly reminding me that he has control. I guess I’m just stubborn and try to keep some control for myself. Bad move. Empathy is a blessing and a curse. Empathy, and sympathy, are wonderful traits to have. You need them to relate to people and create closer relationships. They also make up compassion and love. On the other hand, turning empathy into trying to fight your friends battles and carry their hurt is not how it’s intended to work. I’m still trying to find the balance of caring for my friends but not trying to take away their burdens. That’s basically a smack in the face to God saying I don’t think he can lift them. That is not my belief! Time to stop trying to be little miss fix-it and let God finish what he’s already started.
God bless
-Kaitlin
Drum roll please
December 10th, 2011 § Leave a Comment
BIG NEWS!!!
I will be releasing my first EP, First Impressions, February of 2012! There’s still a few things to be tweaked, hence the delay. Im very excited about this. Stay tuned for more details; I have a EP release show Feb 24th in Mocha Joe’s here at AU, but I may actually RELEASE the EP online before that. Also, there’s been some talk of even more recording next semester. So, I will let you all know. Thanks so much for all your support, I seriously can’t say how much it means to me. I feel like this is the start of a bigger adventure and I can’t wait :]
Out-of-body experience
December 9th, 2011 § Leave a Comment
I haven’t been feeling like myself lately. I’m not upset or really sad, im not angry or hurt, im not completely lonely feeling….I just don’t feel like me. I feel like my mind is living in another place while my body is here in Anderson Indiana at Anderson University. My mind is living in all my dreams. Things I want to happen. Places I’d rather be. Who I’d rather be. I don’t see those things here. One dream, to meet the man I’m supposed to spend the rest of my life with. I don’t see him here. I don’t see him coming anytime soon. I have no idea where he is, so I dream. Another dream, to impact the world with my music. I don’t even have a band or any ideas of people to ask. I don’t have money to record an album. My hopes seem so far-fetched, I feel stuck. So I dream. I want a happier me more in control of my past and present. I want to be stronger. I want the self-destructive temptations in the back of my head to cease to exist. But I keep falling. I feel as if I’ll always have these struggles. So I dream.
Yet, now my mind is consumed in those dreams. All my thoughts are dreams. So much so that I want out. I want to get out of where I am and somewhere where I can live my dreams and feel….freedom. My dreams seem so far out of reach to me that I feel as if the physical place I’m in now is holding me back. I know I’m young. I know I have a lot of life ahead of me. But these dreams dance around my head always a step ahead right out of my grasp.
That picture up there is me standing on the beach of Panama City Florida last spring break. That moment was so peaceful. I was just taking pictures with my friends and hanging out for a little while, but I stopped to just take it in. I had no worries, no fears, no burdens, no anxiety at all in that moment. I just felt calm. There’s something about the ocean that makes me numb. A good numb. And I feel this sensation of awareness and connection to God. It’s hard to explain. But I don’t feel it anywhere else like I do there. In that moment I felt like it was just me and God. The ocean is so calming yet so powerful. It’s so vast and deep. Just looking out into something that seems to go on forever kind of takes me with it. I want so badly to go back there. Not just to that beach, but to that moment. My mind is living there by the ocean. Trying so desperately to feel that sensation of numbness and peace. To stand alone with the Creator. I have so many dreams and they’ve driven my mind to wander away far from here. Since my body is still here, there’s a sense of disconnection in myself. I have an overwhelming sense of apathy for where I am right now and what I’m doing. I want to go to where my mind resides. I want to stand with my dreams and watch them come to life. I want come back from this out-of-body experience.
This is why I do what I do
December 4th, 2011 § Leave a Comment
This is why I write music. To reach out to and be a voice for people like this boy.
A letter to Deceit
December 1st, 2011 § Leave a Comment
Oh Deceit, you enter in so subtly. You know every little weakness to the process of my mind. With a voice seeming so tame to give the impression that your lies are my own thoughts. Yet your words are so burning; they take grasp of my attention and cut their way into my emotions. How dare you. How dare you enter my mind and consume my mentality like match to a flame. One thought seeps in which carries into another and another until I stand completely overwhelmed. Your voice whispers, “look at you. you’re in pieces. you can’t even bring order to your own thoughts. you failed before and you’ll fail again. you screw up.” I see those lies but let them sit. Sit and churn as another bait is thrown. “you only cut yourself one time. what kind of story is that? you’re too transparent. no ones going to take you seriously if you keep talking about these things. don’t even bother telling your friends. they have enough problems of their own. do you want to be a burden?” Your cunning words dig their talons deeper into my brain, creating this clenching hold. I become absorbed in these thoughts. You manifest yourself in my mind leaving me disconnected and distracted from everything else around me. Apathy, one of your greatest weapons. You use this like a thick blanket over me that keeps me in a state of insensitivity. I become numb. “it’s your body and your problem. no one will ever know you did it again. you don’t need to tell anyone, as a matter of fact, don’t. keep it to yourself. you’re supposed to handle this alone anyways. give up and give in.” I feel as if all of me is under your cold hand. Yet in the far reaches of my spirit I feel some voice screaming to hold on. A desperate cry not to give in. As I become more aware of this call you clench tighter. I can’t breathe. There is a relentless tug of war starting to rip me apart. I remember what happened the last time you trespassed my spirit. You used the same approach and attack. Why am I letting this interfere with my sense again? Just as your name intends, I wasn’t released after that scissor blade ran across my arm. Things didn’t turn and give me any sensation of satisfaction, not at all. In fact, everything thing fell from under me. Just when I was sure that situation couldn’t get worse. You crept into my own private thoughts and injected your foul poison. After all that I’ve over come; contorted thinking, apathy about where my life was headed, immense regret, complete self-hatred, you feel the audacity to come back and tear me down again. How you make self-destruction seem like it can be acceptable, I’ll never understand. Even as I write this letter, you’re scratching away at any inch of my brain to try to convince me that I shouldn’t even share this. Maybe I wouldn’t share all of this with just anyone, but what better way to fight back than do the exact opposite of what you desire. I may not have acted out as many have by cutting myself more than that night, falling on drugs or some outside substance for some kind of comfort, or even attempting to end my very life. But I have felt as much affliction and complete isolation as any other person who has done those things. I have been fighting for so long. And I’m still here. I’m still fighting. We both know where I’ve been. You are not taking me back. No matter how long and daunting you wave those temptations in front of my eyes, I’ll only watch. Let them fall to the ground and seep back down to Hell where you and them belong. As weak as I so often feel, you have no power. All you have are petty lies. You are pathetic.
I’m dying for a way to live out of this skin
My heads underwater, I’m breathing in
I can see the outcome from here
And I’ll only end up where I began
Colliding with the waves that are crashing in
Oh Deceit I’ll watch you fall
With you delusions and hooks back down to Hell
As the night is dark I must confess
I may be weak but you’re even less
A mild identity crisis
November 19th, 2011 § 1 Comment
Well I haven’t posted a blog in about 17 years (or a month and a half, same thing) so I figured it’s about time I wrote a new one! A lot has happened since I last wrote. Well, that’s what it feel like anyways.
So I started taking antidepressants again, praise the lord. However, I still struggle. Contrary to some beliefs, they aren’t the cure-all happy pill that makes depression completely obsolete. Depression isn’t just an emotional disorder, it’s a chemical imbalance. I won’t get into the details of it, but basically, antidepressants just help to bring some balance. Which I’ve definitely noticed. I don’t have those crazy mood swings that take me from having an emotional high to complete breakdown in the span of ten minutes. Well something like that, it was ridiculous. Like I was saying, pills can only do so much. I have more balance, yet I am human and I still have emotions and an over contemplative mind. Which brings me to this last month.
College is yet again proving to be different from my expectations. Last year, I thought I was going to have that typical college freshman experience, best friends with my roommate, take interest in all my classes, find a good lookin christian guy and enter my first relationship, make some new friends and just enjoy life. Reality hit and I realized I didn’t want the major I started with so I switched, I got hit with my depression hardcore, I lost a best friend, ended up living alone, did not enter my first relationship, cruised through the year with about a 2.75 GPA, and lost a lot of the confidence I had in my future. Now, I apologize, I made it sound like freshman year was the worst experience ever. I had countless wonderful, life changing experiences as well. I just want to get the idea across, that it was not at all as I envisioned. So, this year has been following that trend. I’m not dealing with the same issues as the past, however, new struggles did arise. I started the year completely consumed with my appearance and what others thought of me. Which has never been the forefront of my mind. That lead to some identity confusion there. Then I met one of my favorite bands which was amazing. Then a few days later I broke my new guitar and went down a little emotional spiral. (one of those ridiculous mood swings I mentioned) That just lead me into a whole bunch of other stuff, mostly because of my over thinking. I got really frustrated with the fact that I struggle with depression and still think about cutting. Then I got back on my antidepressants and things gradually started climbing back up hill. Recently I’ve really been struggling with my calling I suppose. I realize I have no idea what I’m going to do after college and wonder if this is even where I’m supposed to be/what I’m supposed to be doing. I have two years of college left which is really daunting with those other things in consideration. College (especially AU) is very expensive. Then at the same time I’m wrestling with how I define myself and that on going question of “who am I” that supposedly I’m supposed to be finding out in this place. Frankly I’m the most lost I’ve ever been. I know I’m not supposed to identify myself with my depression and cutting; who I’m friends with and what my major is; with my music and how other people perceive me. I’m supposed to believe and know that I’m God’s beloved and his creation. That he loves me for who I am and my life’s purpose is to love and serve him. That’s a lot easier said than done. Last week I had a bit of a nervous breakdown and almost made some rash decisions/actions. Long story short, I had some good friends and family to carry me through that.
Basically, it’s really easy to get caught up in emotions and think about the things you feel and start to associate yourself with those things. I’ve come along way in my journey of healing, but I realized I still label myself as depressed. And that’s not all I have to offer the world! There’s a lot more to my story than my depression. It’s just been such a prominent thing to me, I’ve given it more thought than it deserves really.
I don’t really know where all of this is going, but I know that no matter what I’ve gone through, what I do for a living, who I associate with, what I look like, I am God’s child. I am HIS. That’s my identity. In the end none of those things matter. That may sound cliché, but it’s truth. Stop trying to please the world, because it’s impossible. Go after the one who already accepts everything you are.
God bless,
Kaitlin
